Letter to Myself

October 2, 1994 10 am village

Letter to myself,

It’s time to put all this into perspective so that the next time you break down in uncontrollable tears as if you’ve lost you’re very being, forgotten who you ever were in this world, crying bridges to the self, that you will remember that this state is not permanent. It is not the reality but only tunnel-visioned perception of a fixed time and place. Yes. There are people thinking about you at this very moment. You do have a voice, a voice that doesn’t need words, a voice that others understand even though no words are spoken, the voice of the self that shines through when nothing else can.

Sense of humor! Number one of importance to remember and something vital to you getting through this. Remember that each letter you write home seeking pity, or trying to reveal the despair you feel, sounds absurd. Think about how proud of yourself you were the day you bought your first box of Tide. You walked right out of your house and into the store. You had never been so proud of yourself. Absurd.

Step back. Think of yourself before Morocco. Before bed each night try and write down the things you’ve learned so you can one day see your progress. Look now, really. Every time you break open like you’ve been doing, you lose all perspective of the situation and scare yourself to death. You are more capable of adapting to this world than you give yourself credit for. You have made many adjustments before. Take deep breaths and take baby steps. Don’t be so hard on yourself. With patience and time things will come together. You’ve had nothing but a welcoming audience in your village so far. It’s just that you haven’t accepted that you’ve been welcomed.

You always loved being the center of attention. You loved when heads turned as you entered the room. Now you take it all back, want to be in the corner, behind everyone.

I’m curious. In two years will you have changed in that way when you go home? Will you head straight for the corner, ducking out of the spotlight?

Remember! Remember! Remember! You will come out of this. You will come out of this a stronger person. You will come out of this a better person. Don’t forget! Don’t forget! Don’t forget!

6:08 pm

Sitting here trying to figure out what I’m going to do with all this time. There’s more than I thought. I have that impatient knot forming in my chest, anticipation as if I’m expecting someone to show up any moment and they’re late.