Clearing space

I have pried open my chest, ribs and all, and energy flows out. I am no longer restricted to this body. This body has not much to do with the energy around me. Something watches over me and takes care of me.

The drinking is not the problem, it’s our relationship. We have some matching pieces that fit into the puzzles of our lives, with a connection beyond us and in the hands of God. Our control? We are not in control. Something else guides us, with very slow progress, though nonetheless progressing, inching us down our paths.

I think too quick. He thinks too quick too but he thinks I’m moving too quick. He did think that at least. Maybe no longer, since I explained on that last walk to the beach that he was scaring the shit out of me. I can feel myself putting up a new wall often. I asked if he considered the fact that I might be pushing away and am so close, so ready, so scared that I want to leave. He thought I meant Essaouira. I said, no, I want to leave you. He asked if I wanted to break his heart.

This was the beginning of the end. He had run me down, forced me to let it all go and expose the raw me, to see if it’s what he really can take. He pushed me and pushed me and now I wonder why? Was it to see how much I can take before I fall over and have to be picked up?

He picked me up that night. He said he’d get me out of there and take me to Agadir. He said he was wrong for convincing me to stay those extra three days, that it’s not good for me, and it’s time to get me out.

I know it was a big deal to drive down with me to Agadir, especially to stay all night. There were several times he was contemplating a return trip during the night. I was making him extremely nervous because of my extreme unpredictability. Every time we pull up to any liquor store, he’s not sure how I’ll react, or if and when I’ll lose control. Last night I beat the shit out of the driver’s seat, slamming the palm of my hand against the vinyl seat as hard as I could until I was tired and out of breath.

I am sick. He sees this now where he didn’t see it before. He was genuinely sorry, I believe, God blessing every member of my family for my understanding and forgiveness. Please forgive me, he said, for all I’ve done. Teewahleeneenoo (my eyes), habeebeeteeno (my love), tafokteeno (my sun). And clapping, Dorian, oh Dorian, oh Dorian. He took hold of my hand as I took hold of his. We leaned forward, and kissed one another’s hand at the same time.

He left Essaouira with no one to run the gallery. His brother ran off to Rabat. His sister is in Agadir. He has a lot of business to take care of. His life is totally out of control. There is no room in his life for a relationship, and unless he can clear a space, I should stay away.

The night ending? The ending of this part? He said, I just want to wash my feet and sleep. He washed his feet in the sink while I washed my face, dripping soap onto his hands. In bed he turned facing me and held me close, wrapping around me, our hearts talking to one another, and our skin...it’s like heaven.

Mohamed woke us up at 5:10 am so I could get on the 6 o’clock bus to Tata. I decided to stay in Agadir, so our clothes came off, he placed my hands where he wanted them, and then an hour went by before we showered.